Jokes and songs

Fuck it. I don't feel like writing a _journal entry_. Here's some jokes and shit:

Hear about the new pirate movie?
It's rated Arrr.

Recently while going through an airport, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"
Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses, but the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

Have a Merry Mithras (I know Christmas is over. Bite me)
(From the Z(Cluster), a chaos magick list)

Newbies roasting on an open fire
Wiccans licking every clit
Wishing the Green Man was a finger or toe
Merry Mithras to you
Hanged Gods twisting below the mistletoe
New Agers sucking Angel Dick
Thelemites lubing ass for the Eleventh Degree
Merry Mithras to you
Ceremonial Magicians panicking
Forgetting how to spell or scry
Silly robes and the same tired lie
Merry Mithras to you
Satanists sucking each others butts
Hoping the Devil will appear
At least they're not singing carols to us
Merry Mithras to you
Chorus
Some folks say only the IOT knows
What Chaos Magick really is
But I say they don't know shit
Only zees know, only zees know
How to fuck, how to fuck,
With IT

CTHULHU SLEEPS TONIGHT
(to the tune of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight)

Dee-eee-eee-eee-eee, Dee-eee-eee-eee, Dee-om-bum-balay
Dee-eee-eee-eee-eee, Dee-eee-eee-eee, Dee-om-bum-balay
Down in Ry'leh, the Sunken City, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
Down in Ry'leh, the Sunken City, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(background singers:)
Here come Byakhee come Byakhee come Byakhee come Byakhee
come Byakhee come Byakhee come Byakhee come Byak-
(Repeat)
(Chorus:)
Weeeeeee-eee-eee-eee-eee all run away!
Weeeeeee-eee-eee-eee-eee all run away!
(Other verses:)
'neath the island, the desert island, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
'neath the peaceful uncharted island, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)
Hush my darling, don't cry my darling, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
Hush my darling, be still my darling, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)
If he meets us, he's sure to eat us, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
If he meets us, he's sure to eat us, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)
He's left the tomb now, I think we're doomed now, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
He's left the tomb now, I think we're doomed now, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)
Get a grip now, head for the ship now, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
Please don't trip now, head for the ship now, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)
Don't say Hastur, and please run faster, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
Don't say Hastur, and please run faster, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)
Cthulhu has fed, and now we're all dead, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
Cthulhu has fed, and now we're all dead, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)
Sing Tekeli-li, Sing Tekeli-li, Cthulhu sleeps tonight,
Sing Tekeli-li, Sing Tekeli-li, Cthulhu sleeps tonight.
(Chorus)

THAT OLD TIME BLACK NECRO
(to the tune of "Old Time Rock 'n Roll")

Dumdumdumdumdumdumdumdum!
Dumdumdumdumdumdumdumdum!
Just take those old grimoires from the shelf,
I'll sit and read them all by myself,
Today's magic ain't got the same soul,
I like that old time Black Necro!
Don't try to take me to a coven,
Or to some hag who cooks up kids in an oven,
The modern witch ain't worth a dime a throw,
I like that old time Black Necro!
Chorus:*
Still like that old time Black Necro!
That evil magic just damns my soul,
I reminisce about the rites of old,
and that old time Black Necro!
Don't need no pointy-hatted wizard,
Who uses parts of bats and rats and lizards,
There's only one sure way to get control,
Start castin' old time black Necro!
(Chorus)*
Summon some demons from the dark Abyss,
Torment and beat them, get them really pissed,
Then turn them loose down at the Old Folks' Home,
Now that's some old time Black Necro!
(Chorus)
Or get some Zombies and some Ghasts and Ghouls,
And send them over to your local school,
Then kick your heels back and enjoy the show,
You're talkin' old time Black Necro!
(Chorus)*
I don't care what you goody-goodies say,
I'd rather burn out than just fade away,
I'm going straight to hell, ain't passin' Go,
I like that old time Black Necro!
(Chorus)
Call me demonic, call me what you will,
Say I'm possessed or that I'm just plain evil,
Burn my books, break my wand and sell my soul,
Still love that old time Black Necro!
(Chorus repeated until fade-out)*

What do you call a million fluffy new age assholes circle-jerking each other?
Wiccans. Duh.

Cosmic Poker...Fucking Hilarious

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: >snicker< Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.

LATER....

Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: (sigh) Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
Truth: I have five aces.
Order: I have five ace of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: GROAN!
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...

Order: I fold...