Jokes and shit

[masque12]

You know, it has just occurred to me that tearing one's room apart for 5 minutes to find the remote to turn the stereo on after walking past the fucking stereo several times while doing so is rather pathetic. It's even more pathetic when I realize the only reason I put the stereo on in the first place was to put something in the current music: section of this Live Journal entry. Somebody shoot me. ANYWAY, here's some jokes and shit, courtesy of Robert Anton Wilson:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

BUMPER STICKERS:
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.
Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

AMERIKA UBER ALLES [UNTER GOTT]

The two most common errors in this country are that our politicians are dumb and that they mean well. Exactly the opposite is true. -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

O the freshman get no tail up at Yale
Yes, the freshman get no tail up at Yale
You can hear them howl and wail
As they beat it on a rail
It's the ass-hole of creation up at Yale
There ain't no fornication up at Yale
There ain't no fornication up at Yale
There ain't no fornication
They are sunk in masturbation
It's the ass-hole of creation up at Yale

Since the police are conducting a safety program to encourage people to wear their seat belts, they have agreed to award the first person they see wearing a seatbelt $500.
They pull a car off the road and congratulate the driver for wearing his seatbelt. One policeman asks the driver what he would do with the money.
"Well," the man began, "I think I'll go to driving school and get my license."
"Don't listen to him," the woman next to him complained. "He always talks like that when he's drunk."
Then, a man in the back woke up and yawned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Suddenly, a knock in the back trunk sounded. A Mexican voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

When Dubya was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"
The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"
"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."
The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"
Dubya paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."

Jerry, a recent graduate from the Stanford Business School, attended his first corporate cocktail party hosted by the president of the company that had just hired him. The gathering at the president's house was delightful, and Jerry decided it was time to join the ranks of top management and become a drinking man. He tried his first martini - - and his second - - and his third...
He woke up in his apartment the next morning with a horrible headache. Then he recalled a strange dream in which he had entered a bathroom at the president's house the night before and discovered that all the fixtures - - and especially the toilet - - were gold plated! His curiosity obsessed him until he decided that he had to find out for sure.
He called the president's house. The president's wife answered the phone. Humble, he inquired: "Mrs. Jones, I hate to bother you like this, but there is something that impressed me a great deal at your beautiful home last night. Do you have a gold plated toilet in your downstairs bathroom?"
There was a long moment of silence on the other end of the phone. Then Jerry heard a deep sigh from the president's wife before she hollered over her shoulder to someone in the house: "George, the guy who crapped in your tuba is on the phone."

How To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

Comments

[masque12.livejournal.com]

But damn funny.