thinking...
Aug. 8th, 2003 03:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
masque12Watched Bowling for Columbine, watched 25th Hour. Thinking about why America is fucked up. Watched various Marilyn Manson videos, watched various Bloodhound Gang videos. Americans have no sense of personal responsibility, have an overdeveloped sense of privilege.
"We were raised on television to believe that we'd all be millionaires, movie gods, rock stars, but we won't. And we're starting to figure that out."
-Tyler Durden
Except no one is figuring it out. That's the most depressing thing. Motherfuckers can come right out and say it, but they don't mean it, nobody listens, even when they hear it. Instead of doing something about they start a discussion group, circle jerks for the fearful. They market it, make it a slogan, and the sad thing is that they DON'T have to water the message down before doing it, because no one cares. Lazy pieces of shit, all of them, you, me. We search for answers in clothes, meditation, books, movies, consumption, destruction. Everyone is running away from reality, hiding from it. Blame TV, blame movies, blame everything but yourself, myself. Intellectualize it, rationalize it, anything to distance yourself, myself, from it. Write about it in a fucking LiveJournal.
I know I was raised and conditioned to have unrealistic expectations of what awaited me in life. Hell, they're not even my real expectations anymore, but why do I feel like I'm still reacting as if they were? I seek initiation, Xeper, but do I believe in it? I honestly don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life, other than to not do what I do now forever. Do I even believe in magic at all? I don't know. I need to get the fuck out of America, see the world, see if the rest of the world is any saner than this fucking place. I'm not expecting much, but a little would be nice. I'm tired of banging my head against the wall of ignorance that everyone in this country is so goddamned proud of. Every time I show some honesty, some compassion, some simple fucking consideration for other people, I get looked at like I'm a goddamned lunatic. What the fuck? How is it that people can be that fucking cold, that armored, that they can't even put themselves in someone else's place for a fucking minute? How do we allow that kind of person to wield power? How do we allow that kind of person to make decisions that affect the lives of millions, when the only thing they can see is how it will benefit their short-term goals? I'm surrounded by dead people, and I have my doubts as to my own mortality. Stimulus-Response drones, focused on the mundane day-to-day bullshit, with absolutely no sense of a larger world. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm no better. I'm sitting here bitching about, instead of doing anything about it. Not that I have an idea of what to do about it, but still. Fuck.
"Slide."
-the penguin
"We were raised on television to believe that we'd all be millionaires, movie gods, rock stars, but we won't. And we're starting to figure that out."
-Tyler Durden
Except no one is figuring it out. That's the most depressing thing. Motherfuckers can come right out and say it, but they don't mean it, nobody listens, even when they hear it. Instead of doing something about they start a discussion group, circle jerks for the fearful. They market it, make it a slogan, and the sad thing is that they DON'T have to water the message down before doing it, because no one cares. Lazy pieces of shit, all of them, you, me. We search for answers in clothes, meditation, books, movies, consumption, destruction. Everyone is running away from reality, hiding from it. Blame TV, blame movies, blame everything but yourself, myself. Intellectualize it, rationalize it, anything to distance yourself, myself, from it. Write about it in a fucking LiveJournal.
I know I was raised and conditioned to have unrealistic expectations of what awaited me in life. Hell, they're not even my real expectations anymore, but why do I feel like I'm still reacting as if they were? I seek initiation, Xeper, but do I believe in it? I honestly don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life, other than to not do what I do now forever. Do I even believe in magic at all? I don't know. I need to get the fuck out of America, see the world, see if the rest of the world is any saner than this fucking place. I'm not expecting much, but a little would be nice. I'm tired of banging my head against the wall of ignorance that everyone in this country is so goddamned proud of. Every time I show some honesty, some compassion, some simple fucking consideration for other people, I get looked at like I'm a goddamned lunatic. What the fuck? How is it that people can be that fucking cold, that armored, that they can't even put themselves in someone else's place for a fucking minute? How do we allow that kind of person to wield power? How do we allow that kind of person to make decisions that affect the lives of millions, when the only thing they can see is how it will benefit their short-term goals? I'm surrounded by dead people, and I have my doubts as to my own mortality. Stimulus-Response drones, focused on the mundane day-to-day bullshit, with absolutely no sense of a larger world. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm no better. I'm sitting here bitching about, instead of doing anything about it. Not that I have an idea of what to do about it, but still. Fuck.
"Slide."
-the penguin
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-12 01:03 pm (UTC)Dear, don't let me be the reason that you can't do or go where you please. As cold as it may sound, I am not blood, you don't *have* to do a damn thing for me. I am very aware of this. I don't want you to stay with me if you feel that I am something you *have* to support. I'd like to think that you are with me because you want to be. Sure we are married, sure I would be HURT but people need to be happy. You of all people need to be happy because you are a good man. I too, often think about what would make you happy or what you are going to do with your life. We come from from very different backgrounds. We share some interests and some we don't. If you feel you have to do something, do it. Don't anyone, even me, hold you back.
As far as everyone else and their lack of caring and running away from reality. You have to take that all in stride. Not everyone has the same background and upbringing. Everyone's reality is different. You are not meant to worry about everyone else. It is information overload. I know I'm guilty of it myself but I had to realize that what matters to me is you, the Beast :) and my family.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-12 01:22 pm (UTC)My hunny is full of caca.
Dear, don't let me be the reason that you can't do or go where you please. As cold as it may sound, I am not blood, you don't *have* to do a damn thing for me. I am very aware of this. I don't want you to stay with me if you feel that I am something you *have* to support. I'd like to think that you are with me because you want to be. Sure we are married, sure I would be HURT but people need to be happy. You of all people need to be happy because you are a good man. I too, often think about what would make you happy or what you are going to do with your life. We come from from very different backgrounds. We share some interests and some we don't. If you feel you have to do something, do it. Don't anyone, even me, hold you back.
I am with you because I want to be. I have no plans to leave you or anything. You have to look at the discussion in context. What was recommended was that I hit the road, like Scott or something. That's not for me. Yes, one of the reasons I don't is because I support you (because I love you, not out of a sense of obligation) but the other reasons are that I don't really see myself as much of a hobo, I don't like the heat, I enjoy running water, etc. Ok, I would make a pretty good "stabbin' hobo", (Simpsons reference) but that's beside the point. I ain't going anywhere, I'm happy with my hunny, and it ain't a chore.
As far as everyone else and their lack of caring and running away from reality. You have to take that all in stride. Not everyone has the same background and upbringing. Everyone's reality is different. You are not meant to worry about everyone else. It is information overload. I know I'm guilty of it myself but I had to realize that what matters to me is you, the Beast :) and my family.
I know. Really, I'm actually fine, I was in a really depressed mood that night. As stated in my conversation with Aeronfae, the questions are still there, but I can deal with them. The depression has been beaten back into submission. Besides, when I do take off, for Canada or wherever, you're coming with me.
ah
Date: 2003-08-17 04:51 pm (UTC)