In the event of my death...
Sep. 11th, 2004 01:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
masque12So I was thinking about what I would do for my funeral arrangements when I die, not out of responsibly planning for the worst, but because I was bored and had nothing to do. I determined a while ago that I would be cremated, but when I started looking into it, there's a crapload of regulations that block you from disposing of yourself in a cheap and fun manner. I wanted to do a big funeral pyre like the end of Return of the Jedi, complete with me in a Darth Vader costume, but health codes won't really allow one to do that. Health codes likewise prevent me from doing a Viking funeral. These are the alternate methods I've come up with to dispose of my earthly remains. They are all pretty cheap, and more importantly, fun:
Improv Viking funeral: I'll get someone with a boat to sail out into international waters, and then they can cast me off on a raft and set it on fire as I drift away. I'll even have a party while alive to help build the raft, because I definitely want in on the funeral parties, and dammit, I want presents.
Burial at sea: Instead of bothering with the raft and fire, just dump me over the side. Traditionally one is wrapped in a shroud for this, if one is used, it will be a pirate flag.
"Suicide" bomb: I could blow myself up. My brother already makes his own fireworks, he'd be glad to help with the bomb construction. My only request is that streamers and bottle rockets be used in the bomb, and that I be placed to facilitate maximum amusement. I don't want the bomb to necessarily destroy anything, but I want there to be heavy splatter. Maybe they could use me as a prop in a horror movie or something.
Meat: Sure, some people would be creeped out, but as far as I'm concerned, the body is just meat when I'm dead, and if someone wants it, I'd rather not see it go to waste. Hell, how do we know if cannibals like Dahmer would still kill people if they could buy human meat in the store? I'm just saying, the market is there, exploit it. Hell, feed me to animals or something, what do I care, I'm dead.
PeTA: Along the meat line, people could chop me up and throw me on a PeTA rally, and tell them I'm beef. Alternately, since PeTA is so concerned about preventing animals from being killed for food, offer me to them as a banquet. No animals are mistreated, and I am consciously giving my permission to be used for this purpose. They have no ethical reason NOT to eat me. Let's see how far they're willing to go for their premise. Heh, I like to tell PeTA people to "Eat me!" anyway, I'm willing to put my meat where my mouth is, are they?
All of these suggestions are to enacted if and only I can't swing being turned into a zombie when I die. That is the real goal, but if that doesn't come off, I really won't have any use for the body, so we'll use these methods.
Improv Viking funeral: I'll get someone with a boat to sail out into international waters, and then they can cast me off on a raft and set it on fire as I drift away. I'll even have a party while alive to help build the raft, because I definitely want in on the funeral parties, and dammit, I want presents.
Burial at sea: Instead of bothering with the raft and fire, just dump me over the side. Traditionally one is wrapped in a shroud for this, if one is used, it will be a pirate flag.
"Suicide" bomb: I could blow myself up. My brother already makes his own fireworks, he'd be glad to help with the bomb construction. My only request is that streamers and bottle rockets be used in the bomb, and that I be placed to facilitate maximum amusement. I don't want the bomb to necessarily destroy anything, but I want there to be heavy splatter. Maybe they could use me as a prop in a horror movie or something.
Meat: Sure, some people would be creeped out, but as far as I'm concerned, the body is just meat when I'm dead, and if someone wants it, I'd rather not see it go to waste. Hell, how do we know if cannibals like Dahmer would still kill people if they could buy human meat in the store? I'm just saying, the market is there, exploit it. Hell, feed me to animals or something, what do I care, I'm dead.
PeTA: Along the meat line, people could chop me up and throw me on a PeTA rally, and tell them I'm beef. Alternately, since PeTA is so concerned about preventing animals from being killed for food, offer me to them as a banquet. No animals are mistreated, and I am consciously giving my permission to be used for this purpose. They have no ethical reason NOT to eat me. Let's see how far they're willing to go for their premise. Heh, I like to tell PeTA people to "Eat me!" anyway, I'm willing to put my meat where my mouth is, are they?
All of these suggestions are to enacted if and only I can't swing being turned into a zombie when I die. That is the real goal, but if that doesn't come off, I really won't have any use for the body, so we'll use these methods.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 02:15 pm (UTC)But I really really like your idea for PETA...
(it's unfortunate that there are so many regulations in the US about disposal of human remains...)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-14 02:59 am (UTC)